Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
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