found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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