I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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