It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
