Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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