I heard we made out
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize