I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Randomize
