Define "chronic" masturbator.
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
