How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
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