He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
