Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Randomize
