is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
