Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Randomize