He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
