All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I think I have vodka in my lungs
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize