oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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