All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Randomize
