It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
ttyl tear gas
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
