You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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