My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Randomize
