Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
