If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
If its not for food we ain't going out.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
