i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
