I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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