Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
