What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
