we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
look no pants
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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