haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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