Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
