insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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