Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
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