This is not my ceiling
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Randomize