Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
