Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Randomize
