the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
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