i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
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