someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
