Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Are my feet made of real feet?
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
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