I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
