I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
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