also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Randomize
