Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Enjoy the penises
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
