Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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