It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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