Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
