Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Randomize
