My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
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