so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize