Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
Why is your signature on my underwear?
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
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