I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
i think i have two assholes
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
