Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
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