I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
