I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
